再一次拥有

      我想念去年的冬天 
　　下着雪的那一夜 
　　你给的温柔紧握的双手 
　　温暖整个寒冬 
　　失去了曾经的拥有 
　　在你离开以后 
　　带走了笑容只留下寂寞 
　　忘了幸福是什么 
　　没有你的夜特别的漆黑 
　　只能闭上双眼去感觉 
　　没有我的夜谁在你身边 
　　代替了那个从前 
　　能不能再听一次你说爱我 
　　回到还在你怀里的时候 
　　能不能让我再一次拥有 
　　曾属于我的温柔

IN MEMORY OF ROY YAP TAI YONG.

25/06/1987-24/10/2012

Your smile and your laughter always stays right in all our hearts.

Till we meet again next lifetime.

''There's only once in a lifetime you meet the love of your life. Thanks for being my one and only.

I will always love and miss you my dearest b.'' 

後來.

If there's words to describe the feeling for the lost of you. It's all written in this song.
Every single word hurts, every single word is a torn to my flesh.

劉若英, 後來

作詞：施人誠
作曲：玉城千春
編曲：王繼康

後來　我總算學會了如何去愛　可惜你早已遠去　消失在人海
後來　終於在眼淚中明白　有些人　一旦錯過就不再

梔子花白花瓣　落在我藍色百褶裙上
愛你　你輕聲說　我低下頭聞見一陣芬芳
那個永恆的夜晚　十七歲仲夏　你吻我的那個夜晚
讓我往後的時光　每當有感嘆　總想起當天的星光

那時候的愛情　為什麼就能那樣簡單
而又是為什麼　人年少時　一定要讓深愛的人受傷
在這相似的深夜裡　你是否一樣　也在靜靜追悔感傷
如果當時我們能　不那麼倔強　現在也不那麼遺憾

你都如何回憶我　帶著笑或是很沉默
這些年來　有沒有人能讓你不寂寞

永遠不會再重來　有一個男孩　愛著那個女孩

20062009-30062010

Promises, they are meant to be broken.
True love, are not meant forever.
Thanks for the 375days being here.

I left all my memories behind my back.
And a big scar that has been made,
I remember so that next time I will remind myself not to fall for it again.

GOODBYE FOREVER.

I don't know how many times will we face the break up like again and again.
Seems like never end.
I guess this time I will put a full stop and move on.

I guess I always cannot stop this relationship bcos I dont know how to let go.
I always look back the things we have been through.
I always look back the effort that I tried to mend each and every trials we had.
So as to make sure the relationship will last.

I don't love to try and error in relationship.
Bcos I feel that we should face problems and grow together.
If you ever ask me did I regret, yes I did.
I did regret knowing Roy, I did regret to fall in love with him deeply.

But I guess life comes with regrets so that I can learn something out of it.
This time I let go and make sure I will not turn back.
I will not pray hard because I believe I can move on without him.

And I will never tear anymore because of us.
Because I will leave those memories we had behind my back.
So that I will never had a chance to look at it. And try to hold back again.
Like many other times.

I am Jill, I am twenty going to twenty one years old.
I don't know what or how life will be in front of me.
Recently, boss told me something that I think is meaningful.
In life, I never look back but keep looking forward.
I choose to learn to never look back.

I will go back school, I will learn things that I always wanted to.
I want to be a strong and independent woman.
I will go back to church, change everything and start anew.

If anyone ever come back to read this blog.
Sorry, if I have left all of your lives. I change number, stop my facebook and msn.
So that I can start a new life.

And I don't know when will I meet that perfect man.
I say goodbye to my first love.
And welcome my last love.
I will let God to decide, because I trust my life to rely on Him.

BACK HERE.

I start anew here, I start writing again.
Because when I have thoughts, the best I can do is to keep writing.
When tears falls down, I can only try to let go the weakness in me through writing.

I cried inside my heart, when I was holding your hand lying beside you.
I cried, tears just fall unknowningly because I know I am going to be left alone again.
I love Roy, I never deny.
I never said a single word when I know you are leaving to UK.
Because I know I cannot be selfish to have you by my side and not letting you to go.
To go to fulfill your dreams, your ego.

Maybe this is life, I can never stay in my comfort zone.
Trying to rely on people, but end of the day I still have to learn to be independent.
Four years, I ask myself should I wait or should I not.
And I know I should not.
Not because I cannot wait, but because when he comes back.
He will not even remember who am I, I am living in a world seeing small small things.
While he is back after getting a degree in law, he will be looking into big big things.
His exposure will definately be much more than me.

And of course he will have a choice of his lifetime partner.
He will be very clear of what he wants to acheive in life and of course to find a partner...
that could work with him towards it.
I know I am not the one... even if I don't know how to let go.

I have to choose to let go.
It's like a dream, one year and eight days.
I miss Roy, I will miss miss Roy.
I will keep Roy in the deepest part of my heart.
Covered it with my memories that was shared between us.
And try my best to move on with life... myself.

I always thought I could turn this dream into reality.
But guess I was just too naive, the rich will never get together with the poor.

My first love, yet never gonna be the last.
God just love to fool us.

NO GLORY.

Whenever I'm feeling low, You're always there.
Jesus, alot of times I ask why are You still here.
I never understand.
I will never recognise myself as a true Christian or even
to be called as Christian.

Because to me CHRISTian meant alot.
It meant not just a belief.
I know it isn't just a belief, it's about giving all that you had.
It's about commitment, about leading a life that people will see Christ in you.
I know I lost this, I am not even worth to be called at a child of God.

I miss church, I never deny.
This few weeks I really thought of getting back to COSBT,
to look for my saviour, my redeemer.
But I did not, because I know I can't bear to leave behind alot of things,
and be with Jesus.
I never break free, I never obey.
I remember there was one day, I met 4 people from Godchasers.
I tell myself it was not coincidence.
It's a reminder.

God is good, God is great.
I always feels very thankful that I am blessed.
Especially in my work, and friends around.
It's I let Jesus down.
It's the eighth year I still treat Christianity as a belief.
I never hold up to be a responsible Christian.

I never learn to even be the light nor
the salt of the earth.
I never learn to even be a good servant for God.
Neither did I be a good daughter.

I never ask for pitiful eyes.
Because life has no regrets.
But Jesus is always still my One & Only Father, Saviour, Lord, Healer.
He plays an important role in my life.
Many times when I met storms and thunders in life.
It's God Jesus, He sheltered me through all these.

During my darkest times, it's Jesus who told me,
in Him there is light.
It's Him that make me found back the purpose of living.
Whenever I feel like end of the world, commiting sucide.
It's Jesus, He reminded me that He died on the cross,
so that I can have life, so that I can breathe.

Guilts, Sins and Shame.
Is why I am still worldy wandering around and
not getting back to the kingdom of God.

DAYDREAM.

-subcrew cap
-fcuk/ agnes b/ cdg/ armani exchange/ fred perry top
-zara man leather jacket
-g.star jeans
-porter bag
-a/x belt
-leather watch
-d&g necklace
-marc jacobs leather accessory
-agnes b hand accessory
-fred perry/ clog / larcoste shoe
-gucci wallet

That's label.
That's style to me.

SHUANA 19TH.

Getting really lazy to blog these days.
As in really very very lazy especially to upload so many pictures.

But still this was I think last last week?
Shuanas sweet 19 at Sabai! Okie, so next month will be Ashley. >.*
*Excited*

I've decided to stop Sabai for this month.
Bcos I am broke, furthermore next month I'm heading Shanghai!
Yayness to Shanghai, bye to boring Singapore. :/

Roy's secondary school friends were there too. (:
Very long never see them already eh... ...

Shuana and Lester.

Nam and Me.

Jiaxi.

Audrey Darling.

Augustine.

Carlton Bro.

Ginana.

Lovely Ashley.

Baby Amaryllis.

LOST OF HOPE.

I guess reading my blog has become more and more boring.
Reading how my life comes along, goes along becomes something predictable.
Even myself, find life, be it anything in my life equals boring.

It's all about Roy, work, club, play hard, work hard with colleagues and girlfriends.
Nothing new, everything has become a routine.

Alot of things, has turn me into someone that I used to be maybe 7 years ago...
Pessimistic, emotic, nothing good.
I hate life now, I seriously admit I hate who I am now.
I hate everything, anything.
Why is this so, because I find it meaningless to do everything now.

Nafa rejected my appeal.
Other alternatives, needs certain expectation and requirements that I cannot meet.
Roy, I dont even dare to say anything in front of him.
I thought we could go hand in hand with my worries.
But I think I cannot now.

I dont know where should I head to now.
Aimless, completely aimless.
My dreams, my career, my studies...
I crash it with my own hands.

One chance I'm given, I never treasure it.
I regretted, but too late.
I find it so meaningless to even work.
I work, save up money and no school wants me.
I love, my friends, family, Roy but who will be there when I need them most?
What's life now? What's life? What's life?

Is there still a dim of light in life that I can look forward to?
I ask, God Jesus what/ who am I?
I hate Jill. I hate my life.
I hate every little small things now because it's all meaningless now.
Fashion Designer, Singer, Artist used to be something realistic.
Now, everything has become nothing.

God Jesus, why do you still let me breathe?

LAST WEEKEND.