NO GLORY.

Whenever I'm feeling low, You're always there.
Jesus, alot of times I ask why are You still here.
I never understand.
I will never recognise myself as a true Christian or even
to be called as Christian.

Because to me CHRISTian meant alot.
It meant not just a belief.
I know it isn't just a belief, it's about giving all that you had.
It's about commitment, about leading a life that people will see Christ in you.
I know I lost this, I am not even worth to be called at a child of God.

I miss church, I never deny.
This few weeks I really thought of getting back to COSBT,
to look for my saviour, my redeemer.
But I did not, because I know I can't bear to leave behind alot of things,
and be with Jesus.
I never break free, I never obey.
I remember there was one day, I met 4 people from Godchasers.
I tell myself it was not coincidence.
It's a reminder.

God is good, God is great.
I always feels very thankful that I am blessed.
Especially in my work, and friends around.
It's I let Jesus down.
It's the eighth year I still treat Christianity as a belief.
I never hold up to be a responsible Christian.

I never learn to even be the light nor
the salt of the earth.
I never learn to even be a good servant for God.
Neither did I be a good daughter.

I never ask for pitiful eyes.
Because life has no regrets.
But Jesus is always still my One & Only Father, Saviour, Lord, Healer.
He plays an important role in my life.
Many times when I met storms and thunders in life.
It's God Jesus, He sheltered me through all these.

During my darkest times, it's Jesus who told me,
in Him there is light.
It's Him that make me found back the purpose of living.
Whenever I feel like end of the world, commiting sucide.
It's Jesus, He reminded me that He died on the cross,
so that I can have life, so that I can breathe.

Guilts, Sins and Shame.
Is why I am still worldy wandering around and
not getting back to the kingdom of God.

DAYDREAM.

-subcrew cap
-fcuk/ agnes b/ cdg/ armani exchange/ fred perry top
-zara man leather jacket
-g.star jeans
-porter bag
-a/x belt
-leather watch
-d&g necklace
-marc jacobs leather accessory
-agnes b hand accessory
-fred perry/ clog / larcoste shoe
-gucci wallet

That's label.
That's style to me.

SHUANA 19TH.

Getting really lazy to blog these days.
As in really very very lazy especially to upload so many pictures.

But still this was I think last last week?
Shuanas sweet 19 at Sabai! Okie, so next month will be Ashley. >.*
*Excited*

I've decided to stop Sabai for this month.
Bcos I am broke, furthermore next month I'm heading Shanghai!
Yayness to Shanghai, bye to boring Singapore. :/

Roy's secondary school friends were there too. (:
Very long never see them already eh... ...

Shuana and Lester.

Nam and Me.

Jiaxi.

Audrey Darling.

Augustine.

Carlton Bro.

Ginana.

Lovely Ashley.

Baby Amaryllis.

LOST OF HOPE.

I guess reading my blog has become more and more boring.
Reading how my life comes along, goes along becomes something predictable.
Even myself, find life, be it anything in my life equals boring.

It's all about Roy, work, club, play hard, work hard with colleagues and girlfriends.
Nothing new, everything has become a routine.

Alot of things, has turn me into someone that I used to be maybe 7 years ago...
Pessimistic, emotic, nothing good.
I hate life now, I seriously admit I hate who I am now.
I hate everything, anything.
Why is this so, because I find it meaningless to do everything now.

Nafa rejected my appeal.
Other alternatives, needs certain expectation and requirements that I cannot meet.
Roy, I dont even dare to say anything in front of him.
I thought we could go hand in hand with my worries.
But I think I cannot now.

I dont know where should I head to now.
Aimless, completely aimless.
My dreams, my career, my studies...
I crash it with my own hands.

One chance I'm given, I never treasure it.
I regretted, but too late.
I find it so meaningless to even work.
I work, save up money and no school wants me.
I love, my friends, family, Roy but who will be there when I need them most?
What's life now? What's life? What's life?

Is there still a dim of light in life that I can look forward to?
I ask, God Jesus what/ who am I?
I hate Jill. I hate my life.
I hate every little small things now because it's all meaningless now.
Fashion Designer, Singer, Artist used to be something realistic.
Now, everything has become nothing.

God Jesus, why do you still let me breathe?

LAST WEEKEND.

SOMETIMES...

Sometimes I really think life sucks.
It sucks maybe or mainly bcos I am not on a right path with Jesus.
Then I will just keep blaming, whining, complaining how unfair is life.

No need to go too far, just Roy is good enough.
I always very admire, not of whether the family is rich or not.
It's just like when I want to further study,
getting a 2k from my family is like begging mum to get it from loanshark.
And that fortunate Roy has a family that can afford his studies and everything.
Yet, he just take all these for grated.

That's unfair.
I have girlfriends who are so rich, they have height, beauty, everything almost perfect.
Start to look at myself.

I don't know why, am starting to look down on myself.
For some reasons, NAFA is not replying my readmission. ):
I'm held in this company, being promoted as sales executive.
Yet I don't know should I be happy or not.
Should I stay or not?

I keep thinking, wondering, 10years down what will I bcum.
I am so afraid of everything.
Even having Roy by my side is so scary,
it's like I dont even dare to hold on hope in us.
And where will I be if I return Nafa.
And who will I become if I continue working here.

I feel like dying... ...

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

Maybe when you start to get unhappy with work daily.
It's about to come to an end.

I don't know why is it Jill don't like to be always get corrected by people.
Or was it an excuse that I will always forget this, forget that.

Even took a day leave have to worry about this and that.
Took a day of mc, have to keep waking up and worry about work.

Hiahs, life sucks for one and a half year.
I shall put a full stop before we go on incentive trip.
Be nice and tell boss not to bring me along to overseas.

Sometimes really think I always think for others.
Then when will ever people think of me.
Is human really always so selfish? So self centered?

Maybe my personality really have a problem.
Because I am always blur and straight forward.
Or maybe I always think that I'm right people are wrong.
Or trying to find excuse to cover my own butt.

Tired, really very tired.
Sometimes get abit amazed that I could stay in this environment for
one and a half year.
1.5k job, 10hr job, sometimes Saturdays occupied.
Think through really not something I want in life.

While waiting for Nafa to reply my email on readmission.
I think I need a break.
Maybe you could say I am running away from responsibilities.
Running away from challenges ahead.
Maybe I didn't tried my best.
But I ask what for? What will I learn end of the day?
Will I be happy end of the day?

Ponder my thoughts.

NO MEANING.

I came here to kill time.
Blogged those pictures, ST500 has rent out.
It's now in bangkok. Sadded.

I feel like sleeping.
These few days have not been sleeping well.
It's unusual, but I'm excited because it's FINALLY FRIDAY tomorrow.

Can I say NO to Sabai... ...