This few days been questioning alot, I don't really know do I rate by alot.
Alot of questions, alot of doubts.
It's been one month I get over from the past relationship.
Kinda adapt to those weekends without movies.
Adapt to those weekdays without dinner together, but OT in the office.
Adapt to those nights sleeping alone on a single bed.
Well I didn't dwell alot on this nowadays, though sometimes do felt abit lost of something.
And for the past one month, I don't really know myself I guess.
I used to be someone who hates to club.
Just don't know why, but I've been clubbing for the last 4weekends.
I used to hate revealing clothings, because I don't want to seek the wrong attention.
I used to smoke 1 pack in 4 to 7days.
Now I think 1 pack can just last me for 2, 3 days.
I don't really know who am I now.
Don't even recognize myself.
I can't really differeciate what's happiness or what's agony?
I always thought that if I end up not getting married, I'll adopt a child.
Now, I don't even feel like having one.
Because I know I don't even know hw to teach the kids about well being.
See, I'm a very good example.
I don't wish my kids to suffer as much as I do now.
Somehow, I really wonder what's self worth meant to me?
I always thought to make myself being loved.
I should at least know how to love myself.
Is this life I'm leading now shown that I love myself?
God, so much so much I feel just like giving up this life.
I felt no sense of worth living here.
I've got really lil faith to move on.
When I'm tired, I really hope to find someone to rely on.
But sadly, I found none.
So much so much I wish to get back to church.
But so much so much fear hold me back.
I am so afraid that I'll backslided again.
Today, I was reading Christnotes again,
again it touches me....
"Even when you don't see God's love for you, you can still have faith that he loves you -- that is, you can be certain that he loves you, even though you don't see it.
Alot of questions, alot of doubts.
It's been one month I get over from the past relationship.
Kinda adapt to those weekends without movies.
Adapt to those weekdays without dinner together, but OT in the office.
Adapt to those nights sleeping alone on a single bed.
Well I didn't dwell alot on this nowadays, though sometimes do felt abit lost of something.
And for the past one month, I don't really know myself I guess.
I used to be someone who hates to club.
Just don't know why, but I've been clubbing for the last 4weekends.
I used to hate revealing clothings, because I don't want to seek the wrong attention.
I used to smoke 1 pack in 4 to 7days.
Now I think 1 pack can just last me for 2, 3 days.
I don't really know who am I now.
Don't even recognize myself.
I can't really differeciate what's happiness or what's agony?
I always thought that if I end up not getting married, I'll adopt a child.
Now, I don't even feel like having one.
Because I know I don't even know hw to teach the kids about well being.
See, I'm a very good example.
I don't wish my kids to suffer as much as I do now.
Somehow, I really wonder what's self worth meant to me?
I always thought to make myself being loved.
I should at least know how to love myself.
Is this life I'm leading now shown that I love myself?
God, so much so much I feel just like giving up this life.
I felt no sense of worth living here.
I've got really lil faith to move on.
When I'm tired, I really hope to find someone to rely on.
But sadly, I found none.
So much so much I wish to get back to church.
But so much so much fear hold me back.
I am so afraid that I'll backslided again.
Today, I was reading Christnotes again,
again it touches me....
"Even when you don't see God's love for you, you can still have faith that he loves you -- that is, you can be certain that he loves you, even though you don't see it.
During those "dark times" in your spiritual life, you may not be able to see God's love, his faithfulness, his grace, or his promises to you; however, don't lose your faith. Be certain of what [you] do not see.
One day, your faith will be sight."
I know I am like a lost sheep now trying to find my way home... ...
